saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Randomize
