And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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