I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I love having hate sex.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
