Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
