I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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