so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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