Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize