I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
