I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
