i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
