Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
