wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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