There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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