WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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