literally had 100 drinks last night.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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