Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
birth control should be required to get into college
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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