just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize