My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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