Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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