I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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