If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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