my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
