Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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