Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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