Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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