remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
