I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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