If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
