I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
