They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Randomize
