so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
