Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
