Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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