If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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