Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
