Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
