Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize