Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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