My first STD was from a foam party
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
We just shotgunned beers for America
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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