I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
