my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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