i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I believe in your delicious
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
