She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
