Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
