Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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