Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
