Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
