First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
