she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
