Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
