I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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