one two three fourrrrnication!
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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