I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
