i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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