Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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