i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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