I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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