Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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