On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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