Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
