Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
