I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
